Ready to say goodbye

My husband looked at me tonight and said quietly, "It's the last night of February". Oh, thank you.

I kept thinking it would get better, and then it just didn't. Little things helped - dates filled with cream cheese and toasted almonds. Chai tea. Watching Charlie Chaplin with the girls on Youtube. Watching my husband galavant around in his new superhero outfit (ie: red union suit). But none of it was enough to ward off a major meltdown this weekend, fueled by the lifelong desire to have my mind read and an inability to read the warning signs of destruction. I know this sounds dramatic, and in the grand scheme of things it is purely that, but it pulled us down. We hit a wall. Add to this the fact that we are in Week 8 of the ten-week quarter, Dan is taking his third out-of-town trip of 2010 next weekend, and his laptop has completely died. He is a graduate student, remember? With long papers to write? I am not the only one feeling stressed out, by far. (This is when I start thinking about the benefits of plural marriage - I mean, wouldn't it help so much to have one more of us around?? Or wait, would that just be one more of us stressing out???) (Can you see why I don't blog much when this is happening? I am chatty by nature, and it just doesn't come out very purty when I'm in this space. More pictures, less talk.)

Here is what I think is going to help: March. The sounds of ice sliding off of the roofs in our neighborhood. Mud. More sunlight. Sharing more time with friends who love us. Hearing the birds in the early morning (Mama, I hear birds, Ani whispers in my ear - doesn't that mean it's spring?). Finding some of that spring.

Here is what I noticed during my solo walk after dinner tonight - the feeling of a little extra effort in my legs as I'm walking through the snow; the sound the snow makes falling off of my boots behind me, making me look (twice!) to make sure there wasn't a little puppy running at my heels; the chill on my cheeks, making me feel lighter, cleaner. I lost some of the heaviness of the weekend, filled the well a little, giving me just enough space to hope for some better days.

I am feeling the need to add that I realize indulging these thoughts is...self-indulgent...but it also reflects where I am, so there it is. I am deeply grateful for the many gifts in our lives, and I know we don't know from hard, but again, this is where I am and that isn't what this post is about! Ok, little voice, enough.