After our easy and flowy day of reading, drawing, watching animated Shakespeare, learning some lines, and making waves together, I was feeling so good. It was that perfect balance of productivity and spontaneity, where I had some loose ideas of what we could do with the day - Wednesday is the day after a long homeschool coop day, and we often need it to be open for recooperation - but I didn't feel attached to the outcome. Of course, when it did turn out so well, I felt boosted, affirmed, accomplished, capable...So you can imagine how yesterday went, right? By 5:00, when I met with my friend Jen (for a massage - the very best part of my day for sure!) she took one look at me and said, "Ohhhh, you're paying for your good day, aren't you?!!" I was. I do this on a regular basis: ride the high, feeling very attached to what I see as the successes of the day, only to begin the next day with even higher expectations, so when we have a normal day - that is, with its own ups and downs and unpredictability - I fall hard. It wasn't even that it was such a horrible day, but without the magical flow, I felt defeated and exhausted by its end.
Here comes the wave part. One of the things I grocked the other day looking at waves was how it is energy moving through matter that is the wave - not matter being moved along. Does that make sense? The image that did it for me was of a boat floating on the water. A wave comes along and obviously the boat moves, but it moves up and down, ending up in pretty much the same spot, while the wave moves on towards the beach. The visual I saw showed the boat making little circles up, around, and down, while the big waves moved on past.
Do you see where this is going? I would like to be more like the boat, or a particle experiencing the wave, but not to be caught in the wave. I would like to feel grounded enough so that my experience of the days does not push me greatly in one or another direction but merely moves through me. What this mostly means is not getting so attached to the great days because it makes the less-than-great days seems so much worse than they really are.
I lay there during my massage, thinking through my day and listing all of the great things that had actually happened. I think of myself as a fairly positive person, but man, can I wallow in the bad moments. Listing the good stuff in my mind - sitting with Ani as we worked really slowly through our map drawings of Greece; holding my tongue when what I was going to offer after piano lesson was unhelpful criticism, not support; snuggling on the couch after dinner to watch one more wave video (Bill Nye, dontcha know); having a little energy left at bedtime to sit with each girl for a while as they each recounted the current happenings in their bedtime readings - put the day in perspective.
We have also been reading about Buddhism, and unattachment, which I've never really understood, but with the pinging about of ideas and connections (which is the juiciest way for the days to unfold) - from waves to parenting to learning to Buddhism and back again - I am getting a little closer.