Sunday, September 20, 2009

Corn Husk Goddess

Oh, who am I kidding. This is not a post about a corn husk goddess, though she will make an appearance shortly. Today was about finding my way to a small pond of peace through some unexpectedly large waves. But first, the vampires...they followed me home from the grocery store and seemed to have some major tooth pain going on, but they were friendly enough and only leered at me and those hapless folk silly enough to drive down our street on a quiet Sunday morning...
Then they hunkered down under some shelter from the rain and drank apple juice and shared a chocolate bread our neighbor gave to them. "Are you two happy as two bugs in a rug?" I asked. Eliza replied, "Oh mom, much MUCH happier." Good. Their kindliness towards each other is a balm for the day, and they've traveled happily from one thing to another, making crowns, helping each other get dressed, helping me with the groceries...I had a self-indulgent little melt-down this morning because what I wanted to post about today was the beautiful evening we spent at the Pawpaw Festival last night, but my camera seems to have died in the midst of clicking photos of my family contra-dancing and though I did some "ocean breathing " to calm the panic, I lost it this morning. It's amazing what a small thing like having a cheap-ish camera find its way to a predictable end after a couple years of good service will bring up for a person: I'm not good enough to have a nice camera. I don't deserve nice things. It mounted as I sat folding laundry, thinking, I don't deserve to have nice clothes, look at how long they sit there in the laundry basket instead of lying neatly folded in their proper place, see, this is why your camera is broken - you don't take care of things and so the things you have DIE! Oooooh, it was bad and so very self-absorbed!!! The reason I am able to sit and write about it without feeling so very embarrassed is that first of all, I believe we all go through those moments of tunnel-vision, of self-pity and self-berating, and it was helpful for me to acknowledge it and be gentle enough with myself to see that I don't have to stay in that place. And there were a few gifts that saved husband gave me a well-timed quiet hug, not a fix-it hug or a get-over-it hug, but just an I'm-here hug...I gave myself time to create something, leaving another load of laundry to be folded later, the floors to be washed later...I found Lucinda Williams' "Are You Alright?" online and played it over and over while I sat here...and my daughter's response when I asked her if I may borrow her camera once in a while was, "Of course, mom. Everyone has used your camera, and I would be happy to share mine that same way." Oh, thank you.

So, I made a corn husk goddess today to preside over all things autumnal and transformational going on in this family. The girls were intrigued but so happy to be doing their own thing that I proceeded with these instructions and made one for myself. Here she is without clothing:
And here she is in the rain, hanging out in the fern, and yes, that is our garbage on the curb. Nice photo, huh? But there it is, right? The beauty and the garbage, it's all there in a day.


Merry said...

Oh honey,it's hard when those "it's all about me" moments hit us - and trust me. They hit ALL of us,but most of us are to embarrased to admit it.I'm kind of having one right now while I'm trying to send you an email telling you of my new notebook that even has skype (!) and the stupid thing keeps telling me I have your gmail address wrong!!!Blasted thing!Why did I even buy you?!!Can you make me a goddess doll too?I love you.

Kerry said...

Awww S_ _ T !!! Your camera broke. ...good thing you have E's little birthday camera there. My camera broke this summer, and I had NOTHING to do with it; it had its own ill-timed death. Just when I showed some interest, it walked out on me. And I had just treated it to some expensive new batteries, too.

Stacy (Mama-Om) said...

i love everything about this post.

i love YOU! :)